I have always been jealous of those who can always find the right words for what they want to say, and can say it well. Me, I have to work on this skill. Right now I am experiencing a jumble of emotions and don't know where to even begin to start writing... so I thought I would try my hand at 'poetry'. Let me know what you think.

Journey

I love the cool breeze kissing my skin lightly
The red hot sand hugs my sinking toes
And the wind throws it back in my face
Rocks collide
I look up

My arms are pictured against an ocean sky

How did I come to a place such as this?

Lizzards scatter as I step to the beat of my drum
They can't handle my sandals in this place
I am sorry, I am just trying to find my home
Just passing through

The sun is beating down on me
Asking me to give it another chance
But I don't think I can

The horizon travels endlessly
Like a hungry voyager
Open space all around me
And I have no where to hide

I see the cacti who hold their ground so firmly
How I wish for their resolve
I am thirsty
___________________________________________________________
Letting the words fly off my tongue
And die on the vine
Give until it hurts
My heart is twisted
I am homeless
Inside me is muddled
My face drawn
My eyes sting with tiredness
Wishing for forever
Yet never
I am suspended
Let me free
Let me breathe

The Crossroads: Thoughts on Life and Religion

Hey Everyone,

Since I do not want to work on my forty page capstone paper I need to find new ways to procrastinate. To do this I am going to try starting a ' note series' on my thoughts, musings, and wrestling with religion and many other things. Maybe this will be the first of many notes, or maybe the last. I do not know. Perhaps sharing my thought with you will help me release some tension, so instead of beating up stuffed animals and hosting theological arguments in my head, I can move it to face book for the general public to see! Yah! Hey, and maybe by being forced to write down my thoughts in legible format, they will become more understandable to me as well. You also get the rare chance to see exactly what is going on in my chaotic , and sometimes down right scary mind. I appreciate any feedback, positive or otherwise, as long as it is constructive.

Am I a Christian?

Some of you may be surprised that I am writing about religion, since I do not talk about God much. Please don't fall out of your chair... careful there...;)

For a while now I have avoided talking about religion like it was the plague- Christianity specifically- because I just knew that I would offend someone. I'd offend non religious people for being too religious and deeply disturb wholesome bible believing Christians- and possibly lose friends. I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. As a result, I have mastered the art of Just Keeping My Mouth Shut, nodding and smiling when brought into a theological conversation.

I find it hard to accept some doctrines of Christianity, though I have not arrived at the point of completely rejecting belief in God and faith in Jesus. I have wrestled with numerous theological questions and have still not come to any conclusion. Ironically, I wanted so badly to be sure of my beliefs that I finally picked them apart.

Becoming scared as I felt my life's foundation slip from under my feet,I adapted a Sunday school understanding of the almighty power of God's holiness. These beliefs are pretty tame and benign. There is a heaven. I don't know where it is but by golly its somewhere! There is a God.... Badness is evil, and Jesus will forgive me of my sins if I come to him... oh yeah, Everyone is capable of evil and makes mistakes. But... there is forgiveness. Issues of doctrinal support for these beliefs are ignored, and my questions and doubts shoved under the rug.

If I try peddling this bullshit to God I can see him chucking me out because I am neither hot nor cold, but lukewarm. I cannot fool the creator of heaven and earth..... but is it bullshit?

The Bible does,after all, encourage people to have child-like faith.

And, I do actually have a relationship with God, but its , I guess you could say 'religion free'. I pray to God often , as well as ask him for guidance and forgiveness. I do not worry about hell,converting people, or doctrine. I just have faith because that's all I have left.

I am striving to be live an authentic life by being honest with myself, God, and the world. I don't have it all together , but thats ok. I need to be real if I want my life to stop feeling like a stale cracker.

So in my quest to be real, I am going to start writing reflections on Christianity and religion.. here is a recent reflection.

A few days ago me and my friend were talking about the fate of a summer camp for inner city kids we both used to work at. That camp ended up closing due to lack of money but the ministry the camp was part of was still open and providing shelter, food, and clothing to people who needed it. I was happy that the ministry was still able to continue even if the camp had to close. I viewed the camp as a great opportunity for kids who may not get a chance to go to camp to go, but that if money was tight shelter, food, and clothing for those who needed it was more important. My friend did not agree with me. In her view kids needed to come first because they are the future generation and still have a chance to turn their life around. I pointed out to her that contrary to popular belief, families can become homeless too and often benefit from the ministry's food and clothing bank. The homeless are not just raggedy looking old men.

This discussion also goes deeper. The purpose of this ministry overall is conversion- they want to introduce people to Jesus so they can become saved. The idea behind the summer camp, though I cannot speak officially on the mission of this organization, seemed to me to be prevention. If these kids became saved at this summer camp, then maybe they could leave the cycle of poverty that their parents were in. I can see their point in this a bit. The camp does offer kids who may have come from broken homes a chance to be a kid and enjoy camp, to perhaps get away from a dysfunctional home life, to receive love and care from staff who value them... and hopefully when they go home they will have the strength to handle whatever storms life may throw out them, having been shown the love of God through other people.

Here's what I do not agree with, though. I do not believe that accepting Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior will keep these kids from necessary coming in the doors of this ministry later. This also brings up the problem I see in many churches with equating poverty with sinfulness. This idea is deeply disturbing to me because I see the premiss here that poverty= not being right with the lord. Which then could be inversed to mean that world blessing = being somehow right with the lord. But is salvation gained or is it really given like a free gift? I can see this idea turning away many people from God. Kids may think that if things don't automatically change once they get home from camp that God is not there and is not working in their life. This is just not true.

I see God as giving me the strength to handle whatever comes my way. Like foot prints in the sand, he s there to walk by my side and sometimes even carry me through the storm. God is there with me trough all my tears , blood and sweat. He is not just there on Sundays. He is not just in 'religion'.

This is my take on it. Let me know what you think.... and let me know if this whole note just sounds like blabble to you all.;)